


Hotline Bang

by punklobster



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: AU, F/F, Humor, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Phone sex operator AU, french accent is hot accent, lots of flatmates, tracer is gay af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-10 19:36:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8934271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punklobster/pseuds/punklobster
Summary: In which Lena has a hot new neighbor who won't speak to her, so she resorts to venting her frustrations by calling a sex hotline. 
Or
In which Amelie is a very bored and disgruntled sex line operator until her neighbor gives her a call.





	

“Hello there, thank you for calling _Yank and Spank_ , where we help you wank off to your heart’s desire. Mmm, please feel free to choose from our many horny professionals or stay on the line to be connected with our next available playmate. Get ready to grease your knob and spank those numbers at the orgasm…”

“This is the worst dare. You guys are daft,” Lena hissed at her roommates even as she fought back a grin at the very immodest AHHH-OOOHHH YESSS.. Lucio and Hana, sitting across from her, threw themselves into a drunken giggle fit the more the message played out. Hana had her hands clasped over her mouth in an attempt to silence herself, and Lucio was flopped over not caring in the slightest about his loud guffaws.  
Lena hastily shushed them when she finally got through the options and connected. The trio fell silent in anticipation as the phone rang.

“Hey baby,” a sex kitten voice answered after a single ring. Her british accent was nearly as thick as Lenas.

“Aw, yes, ‘allo!” Lena turned up her usual cheeriness for her audience. “Reckon I can audition for your job on here?”

“Excuse me?”

“I wanna be a phone wanker, would that be possible?”

Lucio was dying. Hana was wheezing her last breaths.

“Show me what you got babe,” the sex kitten voice replied gamely.

Lena cleared her throat, trying to ignore her friends so she could actually talk without cracking up herself. “I know a bit about working your London Underground if ya know I mean?”

Lucio weakly pounded on the floor as Hana clutched at her aching abdomen.

“That’s sooooo hawt,” sex kitten readily said.

“Y-yeah?” Lena asked, digging her brain for more material. “How about I shove my Big Ben into your Channel Tunnel tonight, yeah?”

A loud moan made Lena visibly flustered despite the corniness of the conversation. “You’re so good at this!”

“Seriously?” Lena laughed nervously. “The salad tosser, that’s what they call me.”

“Salad tosser?” Hana repeated as Lena helplessly shrugged at her.

“I want you to toss my salad with your Big Ben.”

“I… Blimey, nothing phases you, huh?” Lena was concerned yet amused.

“I’ve been in the business for years babe, I am never surprised.”

Lena laughed genuinely at that. “This is the best conversation!”

It was around that time that a heavy handed fist pounded on the front door, prompting everyone to sit up like suddenly alert meerkats.

“Whoops, time's up. Gotta run,” Lena said into the receiver.

“Call me anytime babe!”

“Yeah, sure thing,” she said half-heartedly before hanging up.

Hana pushed Lucio in the direction of the door and he looked at her as if betrayed. She shrugged. “What? You’re the man!”

“I’m smaller than you are!”

The pounding restarted even angrier than before. Hana gave Lucio another insistent shove until he batted her away and straightened up. He was the best at pretending he wasn't drunk.

When he opened the door, the figure before them was exactly what they had feared. An angry neighbor towering in the shadowed hallway with a glare that made all three roommates pale.

“Keep. It. Down.” Though the intimidating man growled his words at them as if an angry beast were about to claw its way up his throat, by far the scariest thing about the stranger was that he was only wearing a pair of tight black briefs (and socks). The impression they got was that this man rolled right out of bed with the intention of snapping some necks.

“Er… Yeah, so sorry about that,” Lucio bravely managed to dredge up a semblance of his winning smile in the face of death-by-briefs. Hana stared. Lena really hoped this wasn’t the last scene she witnessed before she died.  
“You see, my friend here,” Lucio went on, gesturing behind him to Hana, who promptly waved at the acknowledgment, “is… is an outrageous drunk. I try to keep her under control, but when she gets like this, she thinks she’s Tina Turner.” Hana eyebrows went up in offense and Lena poked her arm to keep her from protesting. “But we’re sorry. Won't happen again. You have my word,” Lucio used his natural smooth charm.

The angry neighbor gave them each one last scathing glance. “It better not.” He thankfully drifted back into the shadows like the ghost of christmas future and Lucio nearly slammed the door too hard behind him.

“Well, we almost died just now,” he commented casually.

“My Tina Turner impressions are awesome, just so you know.” Hana’s pout was accompanied by a clumsily thrown pillow in the young man’s direction.

“Didn’t recognize the bloke. New around here?” Lena liked to think she got along with everyone in the building.

“Just moved in next door,” Hana grumbled as she filled up her recently emptied cup. “Him and some bean pole lady.”

“Bean pole lady, you say?” Lena grinned, causing Hana to nearly snort her drink.

“Oh, she’s definitely your type.” Smirking.

Lena’s talent of being able to express her emotions in a variety of ways allowed her to seemingly scoff with her whole body. “Firstly, I did not ask if she was!”

“You so implied it!”

“Secondly, I do not have a type!” Lena insisted as she took a confident swig of her drink.

“Everybody has a type,” Lucio safely made his way back to the comfort of his bean bag chair. “Look at Hana. She’s really into cowboys for some reason!”

“Shut up, I am not!”

“But I don’t have a type!” Lena playfully argued. “I embrace all the poles! Bean poles, short poles, south poles, north poles, stripper poles, what have you. Happy to climb every single one of ‘em!”

“Amen to that!” Lucio clinked his bottle against hers.

“You talking about poles is the least gayest thing you’ve ever said,” Hana deadpanned, which made alcohol nearly erupt from Lena’s nose from the sudden laughter.

“Cheers!”

An ominous thump on the wall made them cringe collectively and fall silent.  
After a tense moment, “I dare you to give that grim reaper guy a cabbage as a welcome present,” Hana whispered at Lucio. Lena cackled at an appropriate indoor volume as Lucio gave an impressed shake of his head.

“If I remember any of this in the morning, consider it done.”

* * *

  
“Rise and shine!” Lena loudly declared as she tapped insistently on Lucio’s forehead. Lucio groaned and rolled over, trying to pull the covers over his head and finding none since he had passed out on the floor. Lacking alternatives, he covered his eyes with his hands and repeated his pitiful whine.

“Lena… why…” Poor thing sounded ready to cry.

“Have you forgotten already? It’s cabbage time!” Lena placed a glass of water and painkillers next to Lucio’s stiff form. On the other side of the room, Hana’s middle finger rose up from a pile of comforters on the futon.

“I refuse to shine. Or rise, for that matter,” she grumbled. Lena patted the pile of comforters and placed painkillers next to it.

“Aw, you shine no matter what the time, love!”

“Go away!”

Lena laughed as Hana’s muffled words bounced off her like she was made of rubber. “Your wish is my command.”

At this point, Lucio had managed to barely support his weight on his elbow, squinting at Lena in confusion. “Where’re you… why’re you..?” he questioned as he reached for the water.

Lena seemed to know the question and readily answered. “Nothing cures a hangover like fresh air!”

Lucio and Hana’s groans of protest nearly chased Lena out the door, nearly forgetting to slip on her sneakers. “Don’t worry, Lu, I’ll even pick up the cabbage for you.”

“What the hell is she talking about?” Lucio asked after a moment.

“Hell if I know,” Hana mumbled as she burrowed back under the covers.

Lena flew down the stairs, eager to breath in that fresh air that could possibly alleviate her churning stomach or her pounding headache--  
She nearly tripped over her own feet as she suddenly veered towards the nearest trashcan -- or something that resembled a trashcan. She ended up ugly hurling into a flowerpot in front of someone’s door, with that someone leaning against that door with a cigarette between her fingers and amusement glinting in her one good eye.

“Christ, child,” the older woman chuckled, shaking her head. “will you ever learn to slow down?”

Lena wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I'm so sorry, captain!” she apologized. “I'll uh… I'll get you another flower!”

Ana Amari waved her off. “Do not worry about it child. I have never seen anyone take a swan dive into a plant before. I'd... prefer not to see it again.”  
“No promises, Captain Amari,” Lena chuckled.

“Take it easy, Lena. Never know who's watching.” She tapped her eye to punctuate her words. Lena offered a friendly salute as she walked away.  
“I'll keep that in mind, cap!”

Embarrassment aside, Lena found most of her hangover had disappeared into ole’ Captain Amari’s flower pot. The fresh air really did seem to help, she convinced herself as she ran. Her well worn sneakers carried her towards the nearest supermarket down the street to acquire the essential items for her side quests. Cabbage in hand, she was glad she hadn’t forgotten this particular golden nugget from last night. Lucio wouldn’t be able to bail on it now.

She must’ve made for an odd sight with a cabbage in one hand and a potted plant in the other as she jogged down the street towards her building. When she crossed paths with an even more fascinating sight she nearly tripped and spilled her most precious contents in her arms. An ass like that just had that kind of effect on the young woman.  
That particular detail was just a part of a much more spectacular view. From what Lena could make out from her position a ways behind the other woman, which was quite a bit from the skin-tight jogging clothes she was wearing. Long legs working, she had the lean figure of a fighter and the grace of a dancer.

What a mighty fine bird, Lena thought to herself, wetting her lips.

Catching herself staring, Lena made a valiant effort to not fixate her eyes on the shapely form just a ways in front of her. Though she may have unconsciously jogged just a bit faster to catch up with her. So when the woman paused in her jogging to wait for a redlight, Lena paused directly behind her without realizing it until golden eyes glanced back at her like she was a bug buzzing around. The look may not have intended to fluster, but it succeeded. 

Lena kept her gaze straight ahead and tried to act as casual as possible while holding a cabbage bigger than her head.

“Lovely day, innit?” she spoke up, knowing she’d kick herself later if she let the chance slip. The other party didn’t even glance at her again and Lena found herself in an even more awkward position than before.

When the light turned green, it was with relief the mystery woman took off again, a bit faster now. But Lena was a fast one, so she had to keep reminding herself not to close the gap between them. It didn’t help that the woman was traveling the path she herself was taking.  
The other woman seemed to have the same thought, turning her head to catch Lena in her peripheral vision. Realizing how creepy she must be coming across Lena wanted to let her know that she wasn’t in fact following her! Not on purpose, anyway!

“Oi!” she shouted to get her attention and announce that she was absolutely not being creepy. “OOOI!”

She almost didn’t realize that they were upon her building, she was simply on a mission to assure the jogging woman of her innocence. She decided against throwing the cabbage and simply chased the woman down. Just as she reached her, a pair of hands grabbed the lapels of her hoodie. Lena gasped as she was lifted off the ground.

If the sneer tugging at her full lips was anything to go by, the woman was furious. “What do you want?” she hissed into Lena’s face, a foreign accent pulling her words taut. “Are you following me?” She was pulling Lena up on her toes with her tight grip and still she loomed over her with height.  
Lena was filled with fear, but even so she couldn’t help herself.

_Oh no, I have a type._

The shorter girl resisted as best she could with her hands full, flabbergasted at the sudden accusation. “What? No! I bloody live here, gigantus!” she sussed defensively.

Golden eyes narrowed dangerously as they questioned her intelligence, and the last few minutes replayed in Lena’s mind, this time with the word ‘stalker’ stamped across her dumb forehead. Realizing how badly she had fucked up this first impression, Lena flushed in embarrassment. “I- Yeah, ya know what? I followed you to tell you I wasn’t following you.”

Her lips pursed and Lena tried not to let her eyes wander and take in the woman’s features in these circumstances. She was just so darn PRETTY, even when angry. It kind of pissed her off, actually. “This here is my building, you see, I was just in a bit of a hurry so my friend could deliver this cabbage and--” Lena blew her bangs out of her eyes with a huff that deflated her a little. “Just-... Sorry if I made you uncomfortable, love. Didn't mean to. That's all I wanted to say, honest.”

She shut her mouth and nodded her head, decisively cutting off her own rant there. The other woman silently sized her up with her intimidating gaze, but Lena stared back and puffed up her chest in challenge. She held her breath, though the awkward compulsive laugh bubbling up in her chest threatened to ruin the moment.

However the thing to interrupt the moment was her neighbor showing up like social rescue canine. “Ah, so you returned with my new flower pot, just as I asked you.” Ana Amari said simply, a welcome breather to the tension. She gently plucked the item from Lena’s hand as she walked by. “Thank you, child. You’re a good neighbor.”

“Oh, yeah, no problem, cap,” Lena called awkwardly after her.

The older woman paused to give the woman still holding Lena a cool stare. “Lacroix.”

The other woman, ‘Lacroix’, shifted her gaze from Lena to Amari, then back again. She released Lena from her grip, making the shorter girl rock back on her heels.

“You wrinkled my jacket,” Lena muttered after her. She was ignored.

“Amari,” Lacroix greeted back with just as cool a tone. Then she simply brushed past them into their building with neither glance or apology directed toward Lena. The british girl gaped at her back. Was the mystery bird also a new neighbor? She whistled under her breath.

“Bit of a rude one there, wasn’t she? I thought she was going to bake me into a cake!” Lena exclaimed with a relieved laugh. Ana chuckled.

“Didn’t do yourself any favors with that one.”

“Yeah, well, I owe you one.”

Ana patted her new flower pot. “Consider us even, Lena.” She eyed Lena’s other hand. “Whats with the cabbage?”

“Oh!” Lena nearly forgot one dangerous neighbor for another. “For the new neighbors in 8B.” Ana’s eyes twinkled in response. She seemed to be hiding a smile.

“I think you’ll be in for a surprise, dear.”

* * *

  
“I can’t believe y’all are doing me like this.”

“Don’t puss out now, Lucio!”

“I don’t even understand the cabbage joke, why’d you make it a cabbage?”

“Not even I question my genius inebriated ideas.”

“I’m gonna knock!”

“No, I’m not mentally prepared yet!”

“It’s happening.”

“Y’all are messed up. What am I even supposed to sa--”

The door flew open just a moment after being knocked, and the trio froze as if a spotlight had been thrust onto them. They half expected smoke to drift out of the confines of the dark apartment to accompany the looming figure in the doorway.

“... What?” he asked when the three flatmates acted like mannequins for a few seconds. Lucio seemed to shake himself first.

“Hey! Hey, uh… what’s cracking?”

Their neighbor gave him a look that seemed to say that whatever was cracking was going to be a bone in his body if he didn’t get to the point quickly. Lena gently ribbed him with an elbow.

“Right. So! On our behalf,” he gestured at his flatmates. “We just wanted to welcome you into the neighborhood! With this… cabbage!” He held out the cabbage like a trophy. “Because… we figured you were a vegetarian?” he cautiously ventured.

As this went on, as fascinating as it was to see how much Lucio could nervously sweat, something caught Lena’s eye behind the neighbor. Her eyes widened slightly when her internal gaydar caused her gay sight to land on a familiar figure behind the man: the woman from earlier, Lacroix.  
Lacroix was nonchalantly walking by behind the wearing nothing but a towel. Dark glistening hair hanging over one shoulder and a phone pressed to her ear, she locked eyes with Lena for just a moment and winked right before she went out of sight. Lena’s lips parted and her heart rate spiked and she wanted to plant her head in a flower pot.

Meanwhile, Reaper considered Lucio silently. “How did you know I was a vegetarian?”

Lucio’s relieved delight was so sudden he might’ve hugged the man right there. “I just had a gut feeling, ya know!” Lucio tossed the cabbage at him which he deftly caught with one big hand. “Knew you had that fresh leafy vibe! You’re just radiating new life, man!”

“Overkill, abort,” Hana whispered out the side of her mouth.

“So anyway,” Lucio backtracked, “you should totally come over sometime. Lena here will toss you up a nice salad, Mister…"

“Reyes.”

“Reyes,” Lucio repeated.

“ _Gabriel_ Reyes.”

“Mister Gabriel Reyes. Yeah! Alrighty then.” Lucio placed one hand on each of his flatmate’s shoulder and tried to subtly lead them away. Lena almost didn’t budge, face red and eyes peeled for any more movement within the apartment. With some disappointment, she was torn away.

“Later, neighbor!” Lucio waved jovially.

Gabriel Reyes glared after them until they disappeared into a doorway further down the hall. He regarded the new cabbage in his hand and shrugged. “I can make soup with this.”

Hana burst into giggles the moment they retreated into the safety of their den. “Wow, that was more entertaining than I thought it would be!”

“No sweat!” Lucio smiled as he wiped sweat from his brow. Hana tossed him a drink as she fetched her own from the fridge.

“Wish I’d recorded it.”

“Girl, I’m warning you, Imma steal all your fans if you keep posting videos about me,” Lucio playfully warned with a good natured grin.

Hana scoffed, also grinning. “As if, scrub.”

They eventually noticed their British roommate was staring off into space, oddly quiet.

“Hey, what’s up with you?” Hana asked. She snapped her fingers in front of Lena’s face to get the girl to finally blink.  
Lena visibly flushed as she was interrupted from certain thoughts. “Sorry?”

Hana gestured at Lena’s suspicious face. “What are you having guilty thoughts about now?”

“I- what? Me? Guilty? Psh, you-you… what are you playing at?” Normally, Lena was used to the bluntness. Not so now. “Haha! I never have any thoughts, ever.” Lena Oxton, master of deception.

Hana and Lucio shared a knowing glance. Unused to holding anything back from her friends, Lena cracked quickly.“Fine! Remember the… bean pole lady?” Lena asked, scratching at the heat building up at the back of her neck.

Hana feigned a long moment of ignorance as she sipped her drink. “Nope. Refresh my memory.”

“The grim reaper’s flatmate.”

“Reyes,” Lucio corrected helpfully.

“Yeah, Reyes.”

“Right, Reyes.” Hana had mercy on her. “What about her?”

“First of all, she is no bean pole! She’s all,” Lena’s hands quickly outlined a very exaggerated female figure. “Secondly... reckon we know anything about her?”

Hana raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Lena explained her brief encounter with one of the new neighbors this morning in rushed words.

“Damn. We should’ve gotten two cabbages,” Lucio joked. Lena lightly punched him on the arm.

“I’m surprised you caught her during the day,” Hana added. “Or maybe vampires are okay with muggy London weather.”

“True.”

“Guys, c’mon now,” Lena called for an end to their teasing. “So do you know if they’re like… together?” Lena tried to ask casually as her ears perked for any information. Lucio shrugged. Hana nodded her head decisively. “Ah,” Lena tried not to sound too disappointed.

“What makes you so sure, Detective Song?” Lucio asked skeptically, ever the optimist. Hana crossed her arms and sighed.

“Well, my room is closest to theirs, and let me tell you-- she is an active one!” She made a face. “Have to turn my headphones up even in the middle of the day. For hours at a time, even. And she talks a lot during.”

“Uh, is that info even necessary?” Lucio asked.

“What, really?” Lena was surprised. “She didn’t strike me as the talkative type.”

“Maybe cuz you struck her as a creepy stalker,” Hana shrugged.

Lena opened her mouth then closed it. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

With a mock stroking of his chin, Lucio posed the question “But Detective Song, have you ever heard Mr. Reyes with her during your eavesdropping episodes?”

“Who are you calling an eavesdropper?” Hana crossed her arms. “And… no, I don’t.”

“Then we can’t assume that they’re having relations.”

“Maybe he’s the silent type.” Hana suggested.

“He’s vegetarian,” Lucio shot back. “Vegetarians cry during sex.” He sounded so confident about this fact Hana scoffed and choked on laughter at the same time. “Sorry, I don’t make the rules!”

“Didn’t you go vegetarian for a while before?” Hana asked with a knowing half smirk.

His shoulders went from proud to hunched in as he coughed loudly to hide his blush. “Anyhow!” He reached over and patted Lena on the back. “Never lose hope, flash!”

Lena laughed and returned the pat twice over. “I appreciate your overflowing wisdom, Lu.”

“Glad to be of service.”

“Forget if she’s single,” Lena resolved, stuffing her hands into her pockets. “Besides, the main thing is that I fix my first impression, right?” She tried to steer the conversation to what was supposed to be her original point before they got sidetracked.

“Was it really~?” Hana sang teasingly.

“Oi, you’re going to get it,” was the quick playful threat at the interruption. Hana put her hands up in mock surrender.

Lucio finished off his drink and smoothly launched it into the nearest trash receptacle which was actually way across the room. “Well, I am a firm believer in the cabbage method.”

“Tried and true,” Hana agreed as they shared a fist bump.

“Not as tried and true as your mum,” Lena was quick to mutter under her breath. Lucio dramatically ‘OH’d at that. Hana rolled her eyes.

“You know what Oxton? I’m out!” Hana peaced out as she attempted to crush her can against her head to little success. “I’ve got some butt to kick besides yours, anyway.”

“Love ya!” Lena called after her with a quick “Love you too!” as her response.

Lucio stretched his legs. “And I’ve got a gig later. Better get ready for it.”

Bless them, Lena thought to herself, retiring to her own room.

“And I’ve got to gay. I mean… yeah, gay.”

She went about her business. She checked her messages. She ate a snack (nuts for days). She laughed at memes. She contemplated the correlation between her hot neighbor’s eyebrows and curing cancer. She thought about how gay she was. For quite a while. Which launched her into doing many many squats so that she’d stop.  
And then she discovered the card.

The card that shamelessly advertised the sex phone hotline she had called last night on a dare. Chuckling, she flicked the card away and went about her business once more.

Her business, of course, ended up being closing the blinds, locking her door and grabbing her phone before she dived onto her bed with the card in hand. Yes, she indeed had to gay right now, there was simply no stopping the train.

“Hello, thank you for calling the _Sex Bomb Hotline_ , where we guarantee to make you explode with pleasure or your money back. Let us put our voice pussies all over your ticking time bomb-”

“Bloody hell!” Lena hung up quickly as if that would prevent her face from reddening further. She had to take several deep breaths to get over how alarmingly embarrassing that was to listen to. It was one thing to hear it with your friends and another one entirely to experience it by yourself. She had the urge to wipe her phone clean.

“That sure was… something.” And yet she couldn’t bring herself to tear up the card in her hand that contained the number, equally shameless as to what it advertised. Not one to back down, Lena took another crack at it. She looked up a different company. Something with a low key name. Something… respectable sounding. She dialed the number as sweat formed under her collar. She navigated through the menu and listened to samples of women who were available to talk. A lot of them were cheesy, little better than Lena’s ‘audition’ from the previous night.

Finally she came across a voice that perked her ears. It was a brief message, delivered with deadly promise. “One call, one unforgettable time.”

“What the hell,” Lena muttered, mostly to herself since she was into that. The voice also had an intriguing french accent. ‘Didn’t the mighty fine bird from this morning have a french accent?’ she remembered. Her heartbeat accelerated in time with the ringing on the other end.

* * *

  
Gabriel’s attention was solely honed onto his television screen, where Maria just discovered that Fernando was actually his twin brother Ricardo the entire time. He loudly sipped his cabbage soup as he followed the story along. It was somewhat hard to do when Amelie was cooing french words into the phone as she paced the room behind him. Luckily, Gabriel was pretty good with multitasking. Who did Maria truly want to be with now that she fell in love with both men? The quarrel on screen interspersed with the quarrel Amelie started having with her client over the phone. She spat a few choice words into the receiver before she disconnected. Gabriel sipped louder at his soup, wondering if he should’ve added more salt.

Amelie huffed loudly and collapsed into the spot next to him, nearly spilling his cabbage soup. Rude. Amelie pointed at the screen. She sounded more soured than usual.

“I don’t think my clients will appreciate hearing your dramas in the background.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t work in the same room where I’m watching my novella,” Gabe countered in his low growl. Amelie scoffed but she remained silently fuming next to him until commercial break.

“Who was the asshole?” he finally asked.

Amelie sighed deeply and her jaw unclenched somewhat. “I’m too good at what I do, the putain didn’t even last a minute. And then he had the gall to tell me my accent was fake.”

Gabe grunted in disgust. “Have Sombra track down the number and I’ll take care of him.”

“Don’t bother.”

“Do you want to switch to the webcam?”

“Non… Not in the mood right now.” Getting online would mean dolling up for her audience and she was feeling criminally comfortable in her simple sweats at the moment. It was a lot easier to manipulate money out of people using just her voice as her weapon.

On the screen Fernando killed Ricardo and was now pretending to be him.

Amelie made a face. “What is that smell? Is that cabbage?” she asked as she peeked into Gabriel’s bowl.

“Yeah. Neighbors brought one over.”

“The loud ones?”

“Odd bunch. But they fear me, so that’s good.”

“Not for long if they keep bribing you with cabbages.”

The french woman’s memory was prompted, thinking of a girl who ran after her this morning with a cabbage in hand. “Did one of them happen to be a petite girl with short brown hair? Like a cute, stupid puppy?”

Gabriel grunted his affirmative. Amelie was relieved to hear it. In her line of work, she could never be too careful about potential stalkers, but the girl’s story checked out. She had been cute too. If Amelie ran into her again, perhaps she’d even acknowledge her.

“Save me some,” Amelie muttered as she went ahead and set her phone to accept client calls once again. Within a few moments it rang. Not one of her regulars, but a new number on screen.

In the span of a breath, she was already in character as her sexy femme fatale persona, purring “Bonjour,” into the phone as soon as she answered it. She was knocked out of character almost immediately when Gabriel pointedly rose the volume of the TV. She smacked his arm in annoyance but relented and relocated to her room.

“... H-Hullo?” a female voice greeted her after some hesitance.

“Ah, a mademoiselle. Highly unusual,” Amelie noted in a pleased voice. She could appreciate a change of pace from her usual trysts.

The woman on the other end chuckled nervously. She’s probably never made this sort of call. “I take it that’s not a problem then?” Immediately, the voice struck Amelie as familiar. As if she just heard it recently.

“Not at all.” She shrugged the thought away for now, sure it was unlikely, and pulled out her nail polish.

“Fantastic. Great. Uhh… Hows, hows your day going?”

“Better now that you’ve called,” Amelie answered smoothly, tucking her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she started to paint her nails. Completing mundane tasks as she worked helped with mundane callers. “And yours, cherie?”

“I’m doing alright, love. I… ate some nuts?”

Amelie deepened her voice suggestively. “So have I.”

“Wow. You did that,” the woman laughed, sounding a bit more at ease with the situation. She’ll have to remedy that soon. “So you’re a frenchie, right?”

“The accent is real, I assure you.” She was still rather annoyed that so many thought otherwise.

“Are you really in France?”

“Oui. Annecy.” Amelie lied. Not to give away her true location, but sticking close to what she knew in case she were quizzed as to the validity of her scenario.

“So you can see the Eiffel Tower where you’re at?”

And then there were people like this woman. A beat passed where Amelie wrestled for her inner patience before she answered. “Non.”

Back in her apartment, Lena wanted to smack herself. “... That was a daft question, wasn’t it? Sorry, love. I’m a bit nervous.” She pressed her face into her pillow. “Your voice is really pretty,” she confessed honestly. The operator’s natural melody of her voice lulled her into relaxing and simultaneously excited her.  
Amelie lightly blew on fingernails on one hand. “I’m glad you think so. What may I call you?”

“Oh, Lena’s the name!”

“Lena.” She purposefully elongated her name as if she were tasting a fine wine. “Step into my parlor, Lena. What can I do for you today?”

“Right,” Lena responded breathlessly. The way her voice beckoned definitely made her feel like a willing fly stepping into the spider’s parlor. “Erm. Well. I was hoping you could help me out with something...”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Amelie started in on her opposite hand, almost forgetting to smother her yawn.

“See, I kind of screwed up my first impression with my new neighbor. So I was kind of hoping that… Maybe I could practice… talking... or something?” She really didn’t know how to go about this.

“Practice… talking?” Amelie repeated just to make sure she heard that right.

“Yeah, I mean, wouldn’t want to make it weird, y’know?”

The operator paused for a moment, a touch bewildered, but she rolled with it. Then when she spoke next it was as if her very breath was on Lena’s ear. “How do you want me, cherie?” It flustered Lena very quickly.

“Uhhh”

“We can role play, yes?”

“Oh! Okay yeah. Y-you’ll be my neighbor, then.”

“D’accord.”

Lena cleared her throat, trying to visualize the scene in her mind. She had this. “So you’re jogging.”

“Oui. What am I wearing?”

“Erm. Spanx, I think it was? Anyway, I see you jogging in front of me...”

“How does my ass look?”

The question caught her off guard. “I-I don’t know, I definitely didn’t notice it.”

“How does my ass look, Lena?” the operator inquired again in that demanding purr of hers that called Lena out.

“Fuck, fine, it’s the most glorious ass I’ve ever seen, happy?”

A rich chuckle. “Very.”

Lena reacted to the chuckle with a laugh of her own. “You actually do sound quite happy about that, love.”

A brief scoff. “I’ll be happier once you move the scenario along.”

“Hey, what’s the rush?” Lena asked playfully.

“No rush, I am a running woman, like you said. And this call is 5(£) a minute.”

“SO I SEE YOU JOGGING,” Lena rushed her words, checking the time in a panic. Cripes, this was gonna cost her! “And I reach you. Me, being very tall and dashing, of course.”

There was a soft snort that Amelie did not mean to let out. “Of course.”

“Oi!” Lena laughed at the slip. “I can totally be tall and dashing, you don’t know!”

Called out, Amelie put her nail polish to the side, forgetting to do her toes next in the face of this disaster of a woman. “I believe you, ma petit mademoiselle.”

“I know what petit means!”

Amelie, against her better judgement, found herself mildly amused. She had a tendency to, for a lack of a better term, phone-in her phone calls. A good portion of her cases started with men ready to go and just needing an extra push for their fantasy. More often than not, all it took was a few random french words (usually a description of what she had for breakfast) to get a client to finish and hang up. Very rarely did she ever become engaged.  
“Now that you’ve caught me… what will you do with me?” she prompted in a low tone.

Lena felt her mouth go dry. “Oh, you think you’re ready for this? Prepare yourself for all this charm about to come your way.”

“Do your worst,” Amelie invited with relish.

She cleared her throat. “Hey love, are you a croissant? Because I wanna stuff you in my mouth.” Lena hoped her eyebrow wiggle was coming across over the line.

Unfortunately it was. “If you ever use that pathetic line again I’ll kill you.”

“What? But my nandos won’t be cheeky without my lines!” Lena whined.

Amelie made a sound of disapproval as she laid back on her mattress and made herself comfortable. “We both know you didn’t call me to practice ‘talking’.”

Lena huffed. “And what would that be, operator lady?” And somehow Lena could feel said operator lady’s evil smirk snake up and down her spine.

“Feeling very frustrated concerning your neighbor, oui? I know just what you need.”

Her easy whispered words were sweet and lulling Lena into a heady state. “You don’t say?” Funny, she felt as if she had just sprinted a mile.

“Lie back and close your eyes, cherie. Imagine your neighbor. Her lips. Her mouth on you and your hands on her skin.” The fantasy blanketed her conscious as thickly as molasses. “I’ll take extra care of you today, ma chiot.”

“HEY LENA” Lucio popped his head into the room and effectively popped the atmosphere like a balloon.

“FUCK” Lena jumped, scrambled, and fumbled for her phone all in the span of a few seconds of pure panic until she sat up staring at Lucio with wide eyes. “WHA- what, waddya want, Lu?” She glared at her flatmate for her ongoing heartattack.

Lucio just looked amused at her expense. “It’s your turn to take out the garbage.”  
Clutching her chest, Lena let out a harsh breath. “You damn near killed me just now, I swear. Knock next time!”

“Can’t stop won’t stop!”

Once he was gone Lena flopped back bonelessly and checked her phone to find she had accidentally hung up. Her long groan seemed to echo within the walls of her space.

* * *

  
Amelie raised a brow at the dial tone in her ear. It was a shame really, she had been looking forward to getting that girl to get off. With a note of disappointment she noticed Gabriel hadn’t taken the trash out and rolled her eyes.

* * *

  
Bag of trash in hand, Amelie slipped out of her apartment quietly enough that the sudden rattling from the door near theirs sounded amplified. The door was yanked open, and a grumbling petite form emerged with their own bag of trash. It was the girl from this morning, Amelie noted, wondering if she should slip back inside before she was noticed. Her annoyed musings were a moment too late, for when the girl noticed her her eyes went all wide and she nearly threw herself back against the door in surprise. Amelie merely regarded her with an unimpressed gaze. Collecting herself a bit to speak, the girl coughed awkwardly into her fist.

“So we’re neighbors then, yeah? Mister Reyes enjoy the cabbage?”

Amelie blinked at her. Her voice. She had just spoken to that voice. Just as she realized this she nearly dismissed it, it was too much of a coincidence. Unless the girl was even more of a stalker than she had suspected this morning. The corner of her lips curled in disgust and she turned away from the sight of the shuffling girl.

Guilt scribbled over her features, Lena offered up her hand. “If you want, I can take that out to the rubbish bin for you.” Amber eyes cut back to her with a narrowed gaze before the taller woman dropped the bag of rubbish at Lena’s feet. Lena’s face broke out into a happy grin at that and plucked the bag up. “Alrighty then! My nandos wouldn’t be cheeky without sorting other people’s recycling for them!”

Amelie crossed her arms and leaned against her door as Lena went on her merry way. If she had any doubt before that the girl was the very same as her client, she was certain of it now. And the other woman was either really good at playing dumb, or she really was oblivious to this strange coincidence.  
Amelie’s eyes dragged down Lena’s body as the tiniest of smirks crossed her face. _How very interesting_ , she thought as she spun a new web in her mind.

* * *

 

  
The next morning, a wrapped cabbage sat on their doorstep. Gabriel grinned when he saw it, though anyone watching would have missed it if they blinked. He carried it inside with his usual severe expression and plopped it onto the counter. “Ame, soup.”

Amelie was currently rummaging through the fridge. “I’m on the clock, Gabriel,” she drawled as she looked into various empty containers.

“I cooked last time.” Gabe looked at her expectantly until she threw her hands up.

“D’accord.” The calls were coming in slow today anyway. She went through the process of cleaning the cabbage and seasoning it, wondering if Lena had dropped it off this morning, and for what reason.

With Lena in mind she noted her work phone ringing. She turned up the heat on the stove as she answered without glancing at the caller ID. “Bonjour,” she recited from her set script.

“Hello, love!”

Amelie’s surprise at Lena’s voice was brief. “I’m pleased you came back to me, cherie. I suspected you were scared off yesterday.”

“Ha, yeah well, was interrupted. Can’t very well tell people I’m chatting up a sex line, now can I?”

Amelie hurriedly connected her bluetooth headset as the water on the stove started boiling. “Do not worry, your shameful behavior is our little secret.” She set on dumping her chopped ingredients into the pot, glaring at the back of Gabriel’s head as he watched television. A stray carrot smacking against his head prompted him to turn away from _Las Pasiones del Amor_ to put his middle finger up at her.

Amelie was too busy responding with her own offensive gesture with one hand and stirring the pot with another to catch what Lena said next. There was a lull in conversation as Lena waited for a response, and that wasn’t good for business. “Yes, you want to pick up where we left off?” she ventured.

Another pause. “Uh, no, I was just saying that I feel weird fantasizing about my neighbor. Pretty sure she doesn’t like me, and I don’t even know if she’s single!”

The stirring of the pot slowed. “Does that matter?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Hm. Then what would you like to do?” Amelie taste tested the broth before putting a lid on the food.

“Well, I was wondering… hey, you alright? You sound a bit distracted.”

Amelie snorted because she was obviously a master of multitasking and she’d never been caught being distracted before. “Please, it's just you and me- ow!” She flinched her hand away from hot stove and hissed from the pain.

“Meow?” Lena repeated, confused. She seemed to pick up that something had happened and her next response was concern. “Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself, love?”

“I’m fine,” Amelie bit out, her irritation leaking into her tone. Blindly tapping at her phone to mute herself, she yelled at Gabe in french to get his ass in the kitchen. He groaned loudly in response as he peeled himself off the couch and trudged towards her. Then the pot started whistling loudly from the heat and steam.

“Blimey, got a lot going on, don’tcha?”

Amelie belatedly realized that she had failed at hitting the mute button. She very nearly drove a kitchen knife into the phone. Or into Gabriel’s neck, whichever happened to be closer.

“Are you cooking? Did you burn yourself?”

“I’m fine.” Amelie walked out of the kitchen to keep from murdering him, sucking at the patch of scalding skin on her hand.

“You should run it under water. Don’t put ice on it or anything, that only makes it sting more!” Lena insisted. “Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of cooking episodes.” Amelie burned at the fact her track record was damaged and she fumed silently. Lena seemed able to read her mood even over the line. “Don’t fuss, go on then!”  
She once again insisted she was fine, but she grudgingly followed the instructions. As the water ran, Lena murmured soothing things at her, like ‘that’s it love, don’t worry about it, you’re a tough one’.

Eventually, Amelie mustered herself to say something she very rarely expressed. “I… apologize,” she muttered, not sounding as self-assured as she had been going for. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“Hey, I don’t judge!” Lena was quick to say. “Girls gotta make her money, and a girl's gotta eat.” In truth, Lena was glad she heard that mess. The seeming otherworldly entity on the other end of the connection was actually human.

“You sound like a friend of mine” Amelie noted absently. Sombra often said annoying things like ‘get yo money gurl’ whenever she hung around.

“Then your friend must be aces!”

“Hardly.” Amelie felt more relaxed now that her wound felt eased by the water. Her usual bearings returned to her like a natural magnet. “Though now that you’ve heard all that, I’ll have to kill you.”

“Good luck finding me, frenchie!” Lena teased. She was so oblivious. Like a dumb pup.

“So…” Amelie trailed off, feeling generous today. “You want help talking to your neighbor.”

“Er…Yeah, hit the nail on the head.”

“I do recall you desperately needing the help, no? If you use those atrocious pick up lines on her, I will personally smack you.”

“Right, got it… hey, were they really that bad?”

“Hmph, please.”

“You’re breaking my heart, miss. Alright, what do you suggest?” Lena asked with genuine curiosity.

Amelie tapped her finger against her lip. “Tell you what, cherie. I will teach you a phrase she will find irresistible.”

“Wha- I totally already have some!” Lena protested in offense. The silence on the other end spoke way more volumes than it had any right to. “Please teach me the phrase.”

“Consider this a complimentary service.” The next few minutes Amelie dedicated to teaching Lena a certain French phrase that would bring her great joy to hear from her cabbage doting neighbor. Lena was terrible at pronouncing it, but she eventually memorized the words.

“What’s this mean, anyway?” the british girl eventually thought to ask.

“Not so fast,” Amelie tsked her. “Do you not trust me?”

“I mean.. Can I?” Lena answered honestly.

“If you doubt me, then I shall make you an offer.”

“... I’m listening.”

“If you call me back later to tell me how it goes with your neighbor, I’ll give you this call free of charge.”

Lena was pleasantly stunned. “That’s very kind of you, thanks! But it won’t be necessary.”

“Oh?”

“Naw. I liked talking to you, and you’re helping me out. I’m happy to pay the fee.” Lena grinned. “Reckon I’ll be calling you later anyway.”

“Ah, so you are capable of charm.”

Lena made a sound between an offended guffaw and a giggle. “Are you this rude to all your callers?”

“No, you are special.”

“You say that to all the gents, I bet.”

“Guilty,” Amelie admitted. “Though it’s refreshing to not have to sound impressed by someone’s supposed giant cock.”

Lena burst out laughing. “Pfft! Night’s still young… Just kidding, that sounds awful! You ever get tired of the creepers?”

Amelie shrugged. “They are dealt with. And it’s easy money.”

Somehow, this made Lena think about her impression as a creeper on her neighbor the first time they met and felt twice as bad. “Mad respect for ya. I have a bit of a confession to make... I’m actually not as tall as I claimed!”

“Wow what a surprise.”

“At least sound surprised!”

“You sound too cute and tiny to be tall.” Her voice was nearly fond.

“I’m keeping the dashing part though, can’t deny me that.”

“Hm. We’ll see.”

At this point Lena was sprawled on the bed facing the ceiling with a soft smile on her face. Not the way she had envisioned the call going, but she was enjoying herself.

“Can you teach me to say something else?”

“There will be a processing fee.”

“Bloody fantastic... How do you say ‘I’m sorry’ in french?”

Amelie raised a curious eyebrow. “Why?”

“Y’know, just wanted to apologize to the neighbor some more. Don’t wanna scare her off with my new irresistible ness.”

Amelie snorted. “You are a sweet and foolish girl.”

“Wow, thanks.” Heavy sarcasm.

In the back of her mind Amelie wished she had a phone with a cord so that she could twirl it around her fingers as she mused over her conversations with this girl. “I don’t believe it will be necessary.”

Lena paused at that. “Ya think?”

“Like you said, you are very dashing, no?” Amelie teased.

“Damn, can’t argue that!” Lena glanced at the time and her heart leapt within her chest at the numbers flying threw her head. “Cripes, I gotta go, love. Gotta save my money for the next call.”

“Very well. Adieu, cherie.” Amelie blew a kiss. Lena felt like she could physically catch it. She had to remind herself that the other woman did this for a living.

“Cheers, love.”

* * *

 

  
For the next week, Amelie kept out a vigilant eye for the errant girl with the wild locks. A fresh cabbage was also left on her doorstep everyday without fail. She spotted Lena several times but the smaller girl always broke eye contact with a guilty look on her face. It felt like a challenge for Amelie and she found herself wandering outside the apartment more than usual with a mission: to mercilessly tease the girl.

She revealed a bit more skin for her jogs. She endeavored to wash her car in a white t-shirt and to be very liberal with the hose. She could spot the girl choking on her drink from the balcony. “Je te vois,” she’d whisper to herself in satisfaction. This was a very entertaining game of cat and mouse for her.

One day she finally caught Lena when she went to get her mail. Lena flushed upon seeing her, fumbling with her key in one hand and a bundle of mail in the other. Amelie gave nothing away; she had her web ready, she just had to be patient. She retrieved her own mail with a cold demeanor. Lena yelped when she slammed her finger when trying to shut the tiny mailbox door. Amelie nearly smirked and blew her cover; dashing indeed.

Just when it seemed Lena would rush off and this game would continue, she paused and gathered her courage to deliver a high-pitched “Hiya” in her direction.  
Amelie spared her a haughty glance and nothing more. She was going to have to do better than that. Lena folded her mail under an arm and approached.

“Just wanted to apologize again for creeping you out the other day.”

Amelie raised a brow at that; she had told Lena another apology wasn’t necessary.

“Do you think we could start over? The name’s Lena, by the way.”

‘ _Right on the mark_.’ Amelie was a tower of smuggery that she could hardly repress. Lena held out her hand to shake but the taller woman looked at it with disgust pulling at her lips. Lena narrowed her eyes slightly in challenge and cleared her throat. That meant she was about to say something she thought was clever, a habit Amelie had noted from their call.

“Wanted to say something else too. She looked Amelie right in the eye as she said “Marche sur moi” with some difficulty.

‘Please step on me’ was the phrase Amelie had taught her over the phone. A garbled english accented version of the phrase, but she had somehow managed.  
Amelie could no longer contain the predatory smile and a dark chuckle to accompany it. She stepped forward which made Lena take a step back to hit the wall behind her. Amelie planted her hand beside the smaller girl’s head, effectively cornering her.

Lena fell very quickly into a blushing panic. “Eh? What? What did I bloody say?” she stuttered.

Amelie ran a finger along Lena’s cheek. “Such a sweet, foolish girl,” she purred in what became her personal best seductive tenor. The other woman was left open-mouthed and wide-eyed in realization, processing Amelie’s voice and the familiar line. She was quick to piece everything together, but it still left her at a loss.

“You’re her,” she blurted, absolutely flummoxed. “How..?” Before she could get her wits about her, she was patted on the cheek in a rather patronizing way.

“Thank you for saying that phrase, cherie. We’re even now.” Amelie drew out of Lena’s personal space with an infuriating smirk on her face. With her mail in hand she strode away, all swinging hips. Lena felt so offended and aroused, she could only gape at her backside until she was out of sight. She didn’t even notice her other neighbor retrieving her mail as well until the little door had been shut, nearly giving her a heart attack.

Lena snapped her head towards Ana, still dumbstruck. “Can you believe the nerve of that woman!” she exclaimed whilst jerking her thumb after Amelie.

Ana chuckled knowingly. “I think you were right, Lena… She does want to bake you into a cake. And eat it too!”

“Oh my god, Cap, have mercy on me soul.”

“You dropped your mail, by the way,” Ana pointed out as she walked away to leave the youngster to hastily paw at her dropped belongings.

* * *

 

Hana was hosting a stream, absolutely destroying Lucio in a game of Mario Kart, when her lovely audience got to hear Lena screaming “Guys, holy fuck” as she kicked the door to their flat open. Hana yelped in surprise and the distraction allowed Lucio to pull ahead, the slippery bastard. Lena rushed through the apartment like a whirlwind, throwing the mail on the counter and muttering something about hot annoying neighbors while Hana tried to knock Lucio’s controller out of his hand.

“I’ve gotta call her back, guys! Can you believe this?” Lena yelled in their general direction as she disappeared into her room and locked the door behind her. Hana took a moment to blink after her before turning back to their game.

“What was she talking about?”

Lucio shrugged. “Turns out the hot neighbor is actually the phone sex operator she talked to the other day. Weren’t you paying attention?” Lucio replied, his eyes never leaving the screen.

“Ohhhh.” Hana took a sip of her Mountain Dew. Then her head turned back to him even more confused. “Wait, what?”

Lucio whistled in exaggerated exasperation. “You are such a bad listener.”

“Am not!”

“And you suck at this game, booyah!” The game sang at Lucio’s victory.

“What? No fair, Lu!”

* * *

  
Sick and tired of cabbages by now, Gabriel was digging through the refrigerator when Amelie re-entered the apartment with mail in hand. He noted something was immediately off about her.

“Stop smiling, it’s… weird,” he grumbled unhappily as he grabbed at a carton of yogurt. Whatever expression she had on her face was promptly replaced by annoyance at him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she asked him, nodding to the yogurt. Gabe raised his spoon haughtily.

“What does it look like I’m doing? If I eat another cabbage I’m going to murder someone.”

“But I thought you decided to be vegetarian?”

Gabriel frowned at her, the scar on his face twisting. “You know that.”

Now Amelie was smirking for an entirely different reason. “Yogurt isn’t vegetarian. The gelatin is made of animal tissue.”

The spoon paused on the way toward his mouth and his eyes narrowed. “Sombra brought me these.”

Amelie raised a brow at him and he growled and slammed the spoon onto the counter. “Dammit, Sombra!”

“Really should have known better, Gabe,” Amelie taunted him as he stomped past her towards the door. “Where are you going?”

“It’s too late to turn back now. I’m going to buy a rack of ribs.” He grabbed his coat and made an unnecessarily dramatic exit, complete with coat swish and the door slamming shut. The French woman shook her head after the embarrassing man. If he couldn’t have his way, he careened into the opposite lane.

Speaking of careening embarrassments, her thoughts wandered back towards her neighbor, who she had left stuttering in the hallway like a fool just moments ago. The image brought the happy smirk back to her lips and a thrumming in her skin. She couldn’t remember the last time she actually had fun, especially when it came to toying with the other woman.  
Pulling her work phone out, she contemplated whether she’d ever get a return call from the other woman. She had likely scared her off after that last stunt. A real shame, if so. She had enjoyed their conversations. 

So when her work phone vibrated with her newest client name popping up in the caller idea, a wicked grin slowly trekked across her face. She answered with a bit of an extra flourish of her fingers and flip of her ponytail.

“Hello there,” she greeted. “Miss me already?”

“Did you know it was me the whole time?!” Lena demanded to know immediately. She sounded like a ruffled puppy and Amelie was all too pleased to hear it.

“Oui.”

“By the queen’s tits, that's a crazy coincidence! I swear I didn’t know you were the one I was calling. I didn’t stalk you on purpose, promise!” Lena was quick to explain.

“Do not worry, I believe you.”

“Thank god!”

“I may be guilty of a little stalking myself.”

Lena sounded baffled. “You were?”

“Couldn’t resist, cherie. You paint quite the pretty target.”

Lena blushed up to her ears, not knowing whether Amelie was flirting with her for real of because of her job.

“Doesn’t this go against the phone sex operator handbook or something?”

“I make my own rules.”

“Now you’re speaking my language. By the way, what on earth did you make me say in french earlier, you evil woman?”

“Hm? Oh, you just very politely asked me to step on you.”

“Oh my god! You cheeky bitch!” Lena was laughing her ass off. “We are so not even!”

“No?”

“No! I gotta get you back for that.”

Amelie’s timbre dropped lower. “And how do you plan on doing that?”

Lena attempted to match her, boldly asking “What are you wearing?”

“Nothing at all,” Amelie responded with her typical answer to this sort of question.

“Liar. I just saw you five minutes ago.” Lena sounded all too proud of herself.

Amelie let out an amused huff. “True.”

“You were looking mighty comfortable in your sweats and slippers.” Now it was Lena’s turn to tease.

“Merde. Now that you know my deepest darkest secret, I’ll have to kill you.”

“Is that what your flatmate is for? Because I would believe he kills people for a living.”

“Gabriel? Indeed, he has his uses besides cooking.”

“I know the grim reaper’s got a name. And what’s yours, love? Still don’t know it.”

Normally she had a ready stage name to give out to people, but after a very brief consideration and a shrug she offered her real name to the girl. Since she was her neighbor, there was no point in hiding it. “Amelie.”

“Amelie,” Lena tried to replicate the melodic way the other woman had pronounced it with little success. “Gotta say, Amelie, I didn’t expect actual you to be as hot as voice you.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“I just figured voice you was just a hot sounding spinster trying to make a buck for her grand kiddies, y’know? Which I was totally okay with, for the record.”

“You shouldn’t insult your other neighbor Amari like that.”

“What do you mean?” Lena gasped. Was her old neighbor also a phone wanker?! “Wait, no. NO. Really?”

“... No.”

“You--! You really like messing with me, don’t you?”

Amelie chuckled dryly. “You could always look up my webcam feed to see how… ‘hot’ I really am.”

“Your… your webcam?” Her mouth was suddenly parched, and was her collar always this stuffy? “Maybe I’ll do that later.”

“Mhm.” Amelie seemed to be taking this all in stride, but Lena couldn’t shake her prickling anxious feeling of who exactly was she dealing with. Actual Amelie or ‘one cumshot, one kill’ phone lady or whatever.

“This is weird. This is weird, isn’t it? Me knowing who you are.”

The french woman seemed to hesitate for the first time in their conversation. “Unprecedented. But I don’t mind.”

Lena wasn’t sure if she didn’t. She had to ask. “So… are you and Gabriel..?”

“What?” Amelie asked coyly.

“Are you two… y’know.”

“If we were, his boyfriend would be very angry with me.”

“Oh. OH. That’s good to know. I guess he prefers a different kind of meat then.”

A response was delayed and Lena wondered if they got disconnected when she heard the first sign of restrained laughter. Upon hearing it she brightened up considerably to get a reaction she knew for a fact was real.

“He does indeed,” Amelie managed to respond once she was able to smother her surprised laughter. “Though I’m afraid he gave up on being a vegetarian about five minutes ago.”

“Guess we don’t have to bring cabbages over anymore then?”

“A shame.” They settled into a somewhat comfortable silence.

“What now?”

Amelie carefully considered the hesitant question. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re the expert. What else would you do during a call like this?” The way she said that she obviously insinuated where she was ready for this conversation to go.

A sweet coil of tension had made itself at home within the french woman’s abdomen. It prompted her to act, to defy her usual. Generally she was able to do her taxes with ease as she took a call, but Lena actually made her want to focus on just her. As she slipped off her slippers and made her way to her room, Amelie came to a decision. “I don’t want to do what I usually do.”

“That’s alright with me. What do you want to do?”

Her sweats hit the floor and she stepped out of them. “Remember what I was wearing?” Her fingers traced the waistband of her underwear.

“Yeah?”

“I’m taking it off now.”

Lena swallowed heavily as she registered the sound of rustling fabric.

“Now I’m on my bed in only my underwear.” Her smoky voice was absolutely hypnotizing to Lena.

“No bra?” Lena asked just above a whisper.

Amelie laid on her back and ran a hand down her chest, letting a soft sigh escape her. “No.”

Lena’s teeth bit at her lip as she imagined it. “What are you thinking about?”

Her own cold fingers massaged her breast, feeling the tip harden underneath her palm. “How this is the first time in a while I’ve felt excited.” Her hand trailed lower, caressing her inner thigh. “And how knowing that you are just a room away is turning me on.”

Lena’s entire body shuddered. “Bloody hell, you’re a tease. I want to see you,” she nearly pleaded, her hand unconsciously fisting in her sheets.

“Close your eyes.” Lena did as she was told. Every word out of Amelie’s mouth had her hanging by a thread. “You are in my bed with me. Tall and dashing, of course.” Lena grinned at that. “It is your hands on my thighs right now. Making me wet when you touch me.” Her voice was softened as she painted a picture for Lena using only her voice. A soft moan illustrated her painting further.

“Take off your underwear,” Lena timidly asked. Amelie obliged by lifting her hips off the bed and removing the only fabric left on her. And it was as if Lena really was there, watching the fabric fall and every bit of glorious skin revealed to her hungry gaze. Yearning to touch, to act on her instincts, her mouth purposefully ran along with her imagination.

“I’m… I’m kneeling over your body. God, your body. My hands are exploring you like a canvas and my tongue… It’s painting patterns all over you. Down your chin and neck. Your skin is burning wherever I touch you. It’s amazing..”

Amelie chewed her lip as she imagined threading her fingers through that short haircut. “Lower, Lena. You know where I want you.”

“Bit sensitive there, aren’t you?” Lena nuzzled her face into her pillow. “Woman like you, I imagine likes a bit of teeth on her.”

“You imagine right.” Licking her fingers and rubbing them against her breasts, Amelie enjoyed Lena’s welcomed contributions.

“You sound impatient, love. But I want to savor this. I want to lick and tug your knockers until your back is arching into me”

A grunt of pleasure managed to slip out of Amelie’s lips as she tugged at her nipples harshly along with her descriptions. “Your hair was made for pulling.”

“That is more than okay.”

“Then you don’t mind me pulling you further along..” Amelie prompted rather impatiently. Her burning core was begging to be touched at this point.

Being the one in control of the situation for once, Lena was loathe to budge. With a new level of cheekiness she asked, “Maybe if you say please?”  
Amelie scoffed at that.

Lena hummed. “Have you flicked the quim yet?”

“I- quio?” asked Amelie in confusion.

“Have you touched your lady parts yet?” Lena reiterated.

Amelie licked her drying lips. “Non…”

Lena grinned in triumph. “Don’t you worry, I’ll be getting there. I want to explore you more. God, I can practically smell you.”

Amelie’s body reacted to that by shuddering. “If you don’t hurry up, I’ll kill you.”

Lena giggled carelessly into her ear. “Sure do like to resort to death threats! You don’t scare me anymore, love.”

Her hips squirmed as her hand tempted her hips and thighs and top of her mound. She bit back a groan of frustration. “ _S'il vous plaît_ , Lena.”

Lena’s breath hitched. “Fuck, can’t resist that.”

On the rare occasion Amelie indulged herself like this, she wasn’t very vocal. During work calls, she was very talented at faking it. But the moan she released into the phone as she dragged her fingers through her wet folds now was very much real and very aroused. She could just picture how flustered the woman next door was, and it was oh so satisfying.  
She could hear Lena’s quick breathing and a muffled groan. “How are you feeling, ma cherie?” Amelie asked.

Lena clumsily popped the buttons of her pants with one hand, not wanting to miss a single thing. “Like I’m going to lose my damn head.” She muffled her face into her pillow in an attempt to cool herself down. “I’ve been thinking about this. Ever since I saw you.” She admitted with a guilty rush.

“I know,” Amelie replied with smug low timbre that reverberated in her chest. It made Lena feel like jelly. “Now, I like the circles, but if you could pay attention to my clit it’d be most appreciated,” she managed to tease as she imagined Lena doing this to her.

“Damn, you’re even correcting me? Seriously?” Lena laughed in disbelief. “Fine. Tell me what to do and I’ll exceed all your expectations.”

“Big words,” Amelie’s breath hitched as she caressed her stiff clit. “I’m so wet,” she observed.

Lena groaned into her pillow and rolled her hips forward as she imagined some kind of friction. “Spread your legs a bit more… My fingers are gliding around you. You feel so good..” Amelie’s every inflection was like spun silk between her legs. She was deep into the scenario. “I want to taste you so badly. Can I, Amelie?” Lena whimpered.

“Put your mouth on me,” Amelie was quick to order in impatience.

“Fuck yes,” Lena moaned. She felt heady and salivating, her mind conjuring scent and taste. Her hips kept making little jerking motions against the mattress. “I hope you like the alphabet.”

“You’re surprisingly good at this.” The slowly rolled ‘r’s and the way her accent made every word drip lust did wonders for Lena. She wasn’t even touching herself and she felt like her underwear was already ruined.

“Put your fingers inside.” Amelie was breathless. She slipped her own fingers inside herself and her thighs opened even wider. She had her eyes closed to focus on the sensations. Trapped in a web of her own making.

“I like to go fast,” Lena said over their mutual panting. “Think you can handle that?”

Amelie’s purr was thick with approval. “Fast isn’t enough to satisfy me.” She sped her fingers up.

“Wow,” Lena gasped under her breath. “I’ll fuck you as hard as you want. I want to make you cum.”

“So eager to please,” Amelie chuckled huskily as she rolled her hips up against her hand. Her hand strained to reach as deeply inside of her as possible, her back arching off the bed. “Mon dieu,” she whispered mostly to herself. Her climax was approaching rapidly with Lena’s breath in her ear and her fingers digging deeper into her. “Don’t stop.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, love,” Lena rasped roughly into the line. Amelie growled at that, dropping her phone on the bed next to her head in what went against company policy so that she could use both of her hands. Hips off the mattress, her other hand rapidly rubbed at her clit to bring her that last bit of the way to tumble over the edge. Lena’s name fell off her tongue as her muscles stiffened and her fingers continued thrusting until she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Lena strained to hear every perfect detail of Amelie’s orgasm. Nothing like the fake orgasms she had heard before in advertised recordings. What she heard made her want to run over next door right now to hear it all over again. Harsh breaths, soft cries, and even the creaks of her bed all sounded far away and she pressed her ear impossibly close to her poor fogged up device.  
Amelie worked herself down from her first on-the-job orgasm. Her breathing hitched with every after spasm and she swallowed air greedily. When had she closed her eyes? She almost didn’t notice that she had dropped her work phone until she heard Lena’s voice call her name.

“Not bad, ma cherie,” she languidly whispered into her phone. She brought her slick fingers to her lips and sucked them loudly for Lena to hear.

The british woman made a feeble sound of longing as she listened to it. Amelie sounded positively exhausted and satisfied, while she still thrummed. “I certainly got my money’s worth, thats for sure,” she uttered. “We should do this again sometime.”

“For once, I am agreed with you,” Amelie replied, voice still heavy and lazy.

Lena fumbled for a moment with her phone as it switched hands. She had a stupid impulsive thought and she blurted it out before she could lose her nerve. “Um… Reckon I could get your number?”

“Lena, you have my number.” She still sounded catlike in post-orgasmic bliss, her words lacking any bite to them. It emboldened Lena.

“No, your… actual number.” She held her breath. For ten seconds. The other line became eerily bare of activity and Lena slowly started panicking. “Oh blimey, that was incredibly rude of me, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have assumed--”

**Click.**

Lena froze as the call abruptly ended. “Oh fucking shit” she breathed, scrambling out of her sheets. Was she an idiot? Of course Amelie wasn’t ACTUALLY interested in her beyond the buttload of money she just made off that call. Lena would’ve started on banging her head against the wall at her own foolishness until there was a knock on the door. Lena ignored it, she was too busy cursing her state of arousal.

“Uh, Lena?” Hana’s voice shouted through her door, making Lena jump. “Bean pole lady is here for some reason?”

Hana jumped when the door flew open and a disheveled Lena with wide disbelieving eyes appeared. “Are you serious?” Lena asked quickly. She looked beyond her flatmate to find Amelie was indeed resting leisurely against their doorframe. Her hair was deliciously tousled, and she didn’t seem to mind that her shirt was inside out. Considering that, she looked damned good anyway. She just smirked like a predator when she saw Lena and beckoned her over with a finger. Lena obeyed and stepped past Hana, in a very rare show of being at a loss for words.

But she supposed she didn’t need them because Amelie wordlessly took her hand, palm facing up, and started writing numbers on her hand.

“Last call is on me.” Amelie told her with a wink when she was done. Her fingers (still wet oh my god-) reached up to caress against Lena’s lips for a brief taste. It was a confirmation that this was actually real. Lena didn’t think her ears could get any hotter, and yet here they were.

And then the tall woman disappeared into the hallway and Lena had a phone number on her hand that wasn’t a 1-800 number.

 Hana was so damn confused. "The hell just happened?"

**Author's Note:**

> Wow look at that, a story I've managed to finish! My artist partner for this bigbang is cajoos on tumblr, who drew some very [lovely art](http://cajoos.tumblr.com/post/154789485842/for-the-owbigbang-collab-with-eesybaked) for this fic, please check them out!
> 
> Also, a good portion of brainstorming for this fic went into thinking up of names for sex hotlines so here is a list since I find them amusing.  
> Justnut  
> Yapnfap  
> Fuk4luk  
> Sexbomb  
> Ynkspnk  
> Pntsoff  
> Hkypnky  
> Mypussy  
> Fkmyass  
> Faphppy  
> Likclit  
> Spankem  
> Wankoff  
> Wnkrpub  
> wnkspnk


End file.
